Things we hate: buttons, shoelaces and squishy water bottles!

No buttonsIn financial news, button industry stocks were down sharply after the Michael J. Fox Foundation announced a boycott of all clothing with buttons, as part of new initiative to tell the world to stop making products that people with Parkinson’s loathe and detest.

Anticipating further boycotts, portfolio managers are telling investors to divest of shoelace stocks, and to invest heavily in protest buttons and velcro.

A foundation spokesperson issued a warning of future activism: “Squishy water bottles…those ones that are impossible to open without spilling water all over yourself…which makes it look like you wet yourself…you’re next! People with Parkinson’s are mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it any more!”

Of course, this story is a complete fabrication, but the hatred…oh, it’s real…and it’s festering…festering like a boil…manufacturers of buttons and squishy water bottles, your day of reckoning draws nigh. Retribution will be swift! This is all a long wind up for our song of the week…a Parkinson’s inspired ditty…”Buttons Kick My ***”.